I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize