at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
