we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
