If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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