Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
