where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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