Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
