Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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