we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
