it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
