Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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