You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
