things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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