the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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