You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
