Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
