at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize