Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
