I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
