ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
