I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
