Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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