haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
