there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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