Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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