wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We have so much sex to catch up on
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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