Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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