i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
