it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
