I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
