it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
