East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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