How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
