and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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