when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
