i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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