i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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