she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
