I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
