I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize