Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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