Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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