And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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