My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
