that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
