I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
this boner is exhausting
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize