Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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