so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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