I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize