So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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