your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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