i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
