When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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