ugly people sure do ruin things
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
