Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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