he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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