it was like his penis was on wheels.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
