The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
