How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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