In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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