dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
