I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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